Do your efforts to support your partner turn into arguments?
Maybe you can relate to Elena and Tom below.
Elena: (sighs) Today has been… overwhelming. It feels like everything could go wrong,
Did.
tom: At least it’s over now, right? I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
Elena: (Feeling misunderstood). It’s not just about having a bad day.let me today
Ask me if I am good at what I do.
tom: you think too much. You do a great job! Why not relax?
Elena: (feeling rejected) I tried to express my feelings and you rejected it, as if
nothing!
tom: (defensive) I’m not denying it, I’m just trying to help you get over it.
The conversation escalated, highlighting a core problem with the marriage: their meta-emotional mismatch. Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman discovered that ” [meta-emotional] Mismatch alone can predict divorce or stability over the next four years with 80% accuracy. Tom and Elena are experiencing a conflict between an emotion attuning style (Elena) and an emotion eliminating style (Tom).
According to Dr. Gottman’s research, a common source of conflict in many heterosexual relationships is a husband’s emotional dismissal of his wife’s negative emotions, leading to feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect. This pattern is a major cause of unresolved emotional hurt and, if left unresolved, can weaken the relationship. But what exactly are meta-emotions?
Dr. John Gottman describes it as how we feel about feelings. It covers our emotional responses to our own and other people’s emotions, including whether we accept or reject them, how we interpret them, and how we respond to them.
Two meta-emotional styles
Dan Yoshimoto, a former student of Dr. John Gottman, studied meta-emotion patterns and identified two distinct approaches:
- Coordination model, emphasizing empathy and understanding
- Ignore patterns and focus on logic and action rather than emotional engagement
These patterns often stem from our upbringing and the emotional culture of our families, shaping how we process our emotions as adults. An emotion coaching environment teaches us to value and understand our emotions, whereas a dismissive environment makes us focus on logic and actions we can take rather than understanding the emotions. As Tom and Elena see it, this mismatch can lead to unhealthy conflict.
Gottman’s research shows that in close relationships, the main incompatibility in marriage is a mismatch in how people view negative emotions. In my marriage work, I call this pattern a head versus heart problem. One partner tries to connect with his or her heart by expressing emotions, while the other partner tries to solve problems with their head through logic or action.
As a result, this dynamic results in both parties feeling misunderstood and the conflict escalating. Partners who seek emotional attunement feel emotionally neglected, while partners who prefer a more logical approach feel like their intentions are misunderstood.
When Tom becomes aware of Elena’s accusations of dismissal (a tactic he employed in trying to provide support), he instinctively defends his actions. This defensiveness only exacerbates Elena’s feelings of isolation and neglect. Without effective communication and resolution, relations between the two countries will face major challenges.
Fix meta-emotion mismatch
It is possible to address meta-emotional mismatch through a developmental structured approach
Gottmans.
Step 1: Understanding must precede action
The first step involves recognizing methods, understanding and action
About emotions being valid; however, their effectiveness depends on appropriate timing.
Coordinating each other’s emotional states provides partners with the necessary foundation
Then take actions that benefit the relationship.
The best structured way to achieve this is to use a State of the Union session:
- Getting to Know Each Other: State of the Union Session Part 1
- Reaching a Compromise: State of the Union Part 2
Through the State of the Union, even the most action-oriented partners understand the value of:
Understand before making suggestions, coordinate with partners, and be able to take action when you feel understood.this
Conflict can be transformed into an experience of peace and connection for both parties.
Step 2: Create a shared emotional culture in your relationship
This step is especially important for families because of the emotional dynamics between families
Parents and children influence the harmony of the entire family. Gottman’s suggested learning
Emotional coaching.
For partners who are experiencing emotional resolution, learning and practicing emotion coaching is not only
Enhance trust with your children and strengthen your bond with your partner, promoting
Deeper emotional intimacy.
For emotionally attuned couples, reframe the partner’s action-oriented attempts as
Strategies to make things better.This validation is paired with a partner who handles emotions
Counseling can help them better cope with emotions that have been overwhelming in the past.
Step Three: Explore Emotional Cultivation
Resolving the meta-emotion mismatch problem can also be achieved by engaging in discussions on the following issues:
Each partner’s emotional experiences during childhood, including how they were comforted, and
Parents’ reactions to their emotions, such as anger, sadness, joy, fear, love.
Empathy and understanding can arise through understanding each other’s emotional growth
Do something different for your marriage.
Step 4: Practice Emotional Coordination and Action
Practice emotional connection skills such as sharing emotions and listening through rituals
Mood checks such as Stress Relief Conversations and State of the Union Addresses
Maintain and strengthen emotional bonds.
result
After taking these steps, Tom and Elena’s interaction changed:
Elena: It was so hard today. Everything seemed wrong.
tom: It sounds difficult. Do you want to talk?
Elena: Yes, that would be helpful..
This shift from conflict to connection shows the power of understanding and connection
Resolving meta-emotion mismatch issues.By creating an emotional environment
By coordinating and then acting, couples can more effectively respond to challenges and lay the foundation
Laying the foundation for resilient, connected and respectful partnerships.
