My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We sometimes joke that our parents even let us get married so early. Why do they make us make such a big decision?? we don’t know what we are doing. Not many newlyweds do this.
Most of the time, we don’t know how different we are. My husband and I are complete opposites in almost every way. We were not compatible at all on paper.
Yet we have done the work to make our marriage happy.
Today, 23 years later, we are church leaders and parents of three sons, and we are still doing the work of loving each other. We are often asked the secret to a long-lasting marriage between two people with opposite personalities.
For us, a happy marriage is not a set of dos and don’ts, but rather a set of attitudes and decisions that we choose to adapt to the values of marriage. Here are some:
1. Seize the forgiveness of Jesus
Elizabeth Elliot is thought to have said this: “A happy marriage consists of two people forgiving each other for the rest of their lives.” A marriage between two finite, imperfect people requires a whole Damn a lot of forgiveness.
To be honest, we often don’t have that ability. Because of our pride, anger, or human selfishness, it’s easy to hold grudges instead of choosing grace. So, this is the time we need access to Jesus’ endless forgiveness.
This is when we need to pose before God and ask for help, “Jesus, give me the ability to forgive my spouse today because You have forgiven me so much.”
Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to “be kind and merciful to one another, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.” This gesture of forgiveness is crucial to embracing a happy, lasting marriage.
2. Have fun, be naughty and laugh a lot
As I said, my center and I are opposites. We don’t like the same activities. We never want to watch the same shows or listen to the same style of music. On the face of it, we are actually completely wrong.
But we laughed together on purpose. The Bible reminds us that laughter is good medicine and good for the heart (Proverbs 17:22), and the same is true in marriage.
A couple who can laugh together can have fun together—a meaningful way to lighten the burdens of life together.
3. Choose self-sacrifice
“Greater love has no one than this, laying down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). This verse, like others like it, is about the true work of love and marriage.
Whether in public or in private, respect each other. Put the other one first. Sacrifice each other’s lives–no matter how big or small–so that you can truly act in love.
Choose to be selfless every moment. This can cause harm if both partners do not demonstrate a gesture of self-sacrifice. But if each of you commits to this – what a beautiful picture of love you will show to each other and the world around you.
4. Know that being different is not a bad thing
In a marriage, especially over time, it’s easy to start telling yourself a false story about your spouse—especially if you’re different from each other.
One of you may be future-oriented while the other is at this pointbut the stories you tell yourself within that difference is where marriage really comes into its own.
If you start placing a value Regarding your differences, if you start thinking of your spouse as bad or flawed just because he or she is different from you, your marriage will never prosper. We must remember again and again that different is not bad.
In fact, our differences can be gifts that help hone and shape each other. Accept your differences. Learn to appreciate them. And refuse to let the stories you tell yourself about your spouse become negative or harmful.
5. Ask for help
Go to therapy. Go to therapy. Go to therapy. In fact, there is no shame in seeking guidance from wise counselors, wisdom alone is wise, especially when the pain and conflict in a marriage are too much to bear. Go often. Go there every few years. receive help.
Therapy can save a marriage. period. As the sage of Proverbs said: “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who listens to advice is wise” (Proverbs 12:15).
6. Maintenance matters
Healthy conflict includes healthy repair. When your nervous system calms down after a fight, and when you’re both in a calmer emotional state – that’s the time to do the work of active listening, emotional repair, and healing.
Especially for couples with opposing personalities, it’s worth intentionally scheduling time for repair after a conflict, or even taking a break from conflict immediately when you get too heated.
this Way That you have a conflict and repair the damage of the conflict is just as important, if not more important, than the actual content of the argument itself. Colossians reminds us to bear with one another and forgive one another. We do our best through intentional, ongoing emotional healing.
7. The grass is greener where you water it.
This gesture can save many marriages. If we’re not careful, we may be tempted to believe the lie that we’re married to the wrong person, or that someone else (someone more like us) will make us happy.
But the marriages we invest in are marriages that will bear fruit. Courting, dating, choosing someone. Water your marriage and the grass will be green.
I definitely don’t believe in any magic bullet for a successful marriage, but I do believe that a few gestures—a few positions—will help make a marriage between people of the opposite sex last—and make it continue to be successful and happy.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/OJO_Images
Aubrey Sampson is a pastor, author, speaker and co-host of the podcast Nothing is Wasted. She is the author of “Big Feeling Days,” “The Louder Song,” “Overcomer” and her latest album, “Known.” Find and follow her on Instagram @aubsamp. Please visit aubreysampson.com to learn more.
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