Disclaimer: This no Dr. Audrey’s advice is intended for a general audience, which means it may not always work for everyone.
I have a question. It’s about facing a married man. . . Who teases my wife all the time. . . The man told my wife (“Jennifer”) to keep the text messages he sent her private.
We went to the same church and we were neighbors. Wives are friends with each other.
I know both guys well and we used to hang out together.
The married man said he was attracted to Jennifer. He told her he dreamed of her and she asked him to “be alone with her.” Maybe he was trying to justify his desire for her by imagining something was wrong between Jennifer and me. So he kept asking her if she was okay and asked several times to go for a walk in the neighborhood.
This is what I want to send to this gentleman:
“Jennifer has mentioned to me more than once that you contact her frequently and invite her to go for walks. I do appreciate that. But I think if you really want to help her, you may need to know more about what she is going through. Something about her family of origin. Maybe you and I can talk about it? If you’re still worried, bring your wife over and we can talk – N
Thank you for contacting me. I’m sorry for the confusion this man caused.
He may be waving red flags when he insists that Jennifer keep his text messages secret from you, her own husband. The obsession with secrecy shows that the person knew what he was doing was wrong but continued to do so.
I’m glad your wife confided in you what happened. Bonus points for the unity of your marriage!
But since you sent me the note you wrote for him, let’s focus on that.
Your words show how thoughtful you are about the entire situation. The tone you use conveys your desire to maintain a friendly relationship with him.
Understandable – since the four of you are neighbors, friends, and attend the same church.
However, if you send the note as-is, I expect there will be some issues.
Married man, taking a walk with his wife?
Let’s start with him asking your wife out for a walk.
If this man has been seducing your bride, would it be wise to open your front door and let him pick her up before he walks beside her? This behavior may be consistent with the biblical description of “little foxes destroying the vine” (Song of Songs 2:15).
Seemingly small things—nothing to see here, just a few friends hanging out together—can end up ruining not one, but two marriages.
Let me explain.
A married man comes and he wants to be alone with your wife, it is possible that he can confide in her more feelings and other personal matters. This setting would make Jennifer feel obligated to do so and open up to him.
This is human nature. We tend to imitate the behaviors we see in each other.
Beyond that, things progressed as a matter of course. Sharing feelings for each other ultimately brings them closer. Over time, what begins as shared emotional intimacy can evolve into other types of intimacy, including physical and sexual intimacy. A mature romance often begins when two people confide in each other.
God help your wife and this man things never come to this!
Even so, it’s unwise to allow other people to develop emotional intimacy with you (or in this case, Jennifer). Getting too emotionally close to anyone other than your spouse can lead to the breakdown of your marriage.
This brings me to the second problem with the comment you raised.
action steps
By trying to talk to your wife without your consent (because he asked her not to text you), he is disrespecting two people: you as Jennifer’s husband, and his own wife. However, it is your responsibility to help your wife—whether in person, via text message, or otherwise. do not have this.
If Jennifer needs something, especially something emotional, she can turn to you, the church, or a female friend—such as the person’s wife. There is no reason for him to spend private time with your wife or repeatedly ask her if she is okay when her wife can do the same thing.
Even if there are problems in your marriage – a big “if” – it still doesn’t allow this man to comfort your wife.
So where do we go from here?
Here are some ideas. Please pray with Jennifer about these suggestions before sending any messages to this person. The Bible says: “One can be subdued, two can resist together. A three-layered rope cannot easily be broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12, CEB). If you and Jennifer are on the same page about saying a firm “no” to this man, then your unanimous resistance will send a strong signal to the other person to back off.
1. No room for affairs
Let him know in no uncertain terms how unwelcome his desire for your wife is—she is not wanted, and you certainly are not, either.
2. No room for secrets
You may need to confront him directly and explain to him how inappropriate it is for you to be isolated from your own wife. In contrast, Jennifer is not wrong in telling you what this guy is doing. You and she are one (Mark 10:7-8). Every time he tells Jennifer something, essentially he’s telling you the same thing.
Keeping no secrets may also mean making it clear to him that he has zero personal access to your wife, including digitally. Let’s limit all communication to group text only. No personal voicemail. There was no direct messaging on social media. No secret emails. Also, the two of them are never allowed to be alone together without you or the man’s wife. Anything he needs to tell Jennifer, he can involve you (and his wife) in it.
3. Make space to help
If this man is attracted to another man’s wife, one thing is clear: his marriage is in trouble.
This means it’s time to seek outside help. There are mental health professionals who are trained to help married couples. For example, Focus on the Family maintains a list of qualified Christian therapists.
By referring him to this resource or pastoral counseling, you are communicating two things at once: the importance of his own marriage, and your interest in helping him through the process.
as a result of
After reading the above, I can understand if the following questions arise:
What if this frank discussion jeopardizes the friendship between your two families?
Of course, there’s no need to confront him out of breath. Establish firm boundaries with this person, but speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). That being said, it’s too bad if your words make him frown and give off a big stink – but, the sanctity of your marriage still comes first. Jesus also taught us this: “A man will leave his father and mother and be fastened to his wife” (Matthew 19:5, AMP).
If you abandoned everyone, including the two men who conceived you, and chose Jennifer, who was this person who squeezed himself into the divine union between you and her?
Additionally, if you and Jennifer send a clear message that neither of you is interested in her having a secret relationship with this man, then you are fighting a righteous fight for the sanctity of your marriage. Your position is very telling.
Hopefully this will inspire him to fight for himself.
I wish you and Jennifer the best!
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Fizkes
Audrey David Heisser, PhD is a California Licensed Psychologist, Internal Family Systems (IFS) Certified Therapist, and IFSI Approved Clinical Counselor. After founding and directing the Counseling Center at Dream Center in Los Angeles, she now works with survivors of trauma, including emotional abuse. If you need her advice, visit her website at www.aimforbreakthrough.com