authenticity of relationship

“In insecure relationships, we cover up our vulnerabilities so our partners never see us.”

Dr. Sue Johnson

will you be by my side?

Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), believes that most arguments in relationships are protests of emotional disconnection. In the midst of an argument, partners want to know: Are you with me? Can I count on you? Am I important to you? Do you value and accept me?

We all seek safe connections with those we love. Through this bond we can feel safe and emotionally dependent on each other for nourishment and protection. This is vital to our emotional health. With healthy dependence, we feel safe enough to step out of our comfort zones and take risks because we know someone cares about us.

John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, emphasized that our ability to connect and form close connections with others is the ultimate barometer of healthy functioning. And isn’t this what our modern society lacks? Although we are surrounded by many people online and in real life, many of us feel alone and isolated. Many people are afraid of being truly seen and feeling vulnerable because it hasn’t been safe for them before. Even in committed relationships, people have a hard time being authentic. They often feel distant from their partners. They feel ignored, unknown and alone.

Loneliness is not about being alone. It’s a feeling of isolation from others, even in a room full of people. Therefore, to reduce loneliness, we need authentic relationships. Many singles believe that once they find “the one,” they will never feel lonely again, but there are also many people who feel completely alone in a relationship.

We need shared regulation

J. Coan’s brain scan research is similar to Bowlby’s concept of “contact comfort,” the idea that secure relationships create the perception of a safer world. Visual perception research also shows that if we stand alone in front of a hill, our brains actually estimate the hill to be taller than if we were in the company of friends. This suggests that the brain considers proximity to social resources even during basic perceptual processes (Schnall, Harber, Stefanucci, & Proffitt, 2008; Gross & Proffitt, 2013). We need other people around us, people we can trust and rely on. Research shows that co-supervision with another person with whom we feel safe is the most effective form of supervision, even more effective than self-regulation.

What obstacles are holding us back?

So what stands in the way of authenticity in relationships? Is it as simple as finding the right person? Is it about commitment? Unfortunately, even if we think a partner is right for us, we may have problems showing up. In order to be authentic, we must first feel safe and secure. If we think someone is likely to judge and criticize us, or reject and abandon us, it can be difficult to open up to them and let down our guard.

Our past wounds don’t help either. Often, we all have experiences of acting out authentically and getting hurt. Sometimes this goes back to our childhood. We learn early on how to behave, what to do and what not to do to be accepted. We all want to feel like we belong, so we will do whatever we can to not be shunned by our caregivers. Later in life, we may experience bad breakups, ridicule from loved ones, betrayal, bullying, etc. that leave their mark and make us feel unsafe to open up in the world. As I always say, people hurt and heal in relationships.

past trauma

Trauma can happen even to people who mean well, but they just don’t know better, they struggle with their own disorder and don’t realize it. We tend to think of trauma as major, life-changing events such as abuse, war, assault, natural disasters, etc. What one person may consider traumatic may not be considered traumatic by another. While large traumas are obvious, many smaller traumas can be subtle. However, they can add up and influence someone’s view of self, others, and the world. Sometimes trauma is meant to happen but doesn’t. Therefore, life experiences such as childhood neglect, absent and unavailable parents, harsh discipline from parents, criticism, bullying, painful breakups, betrayals in friendships and business, can all be traumatic.

Healing starts with emotional safety

In relationships, vulnerable sharing builds connections. When our partners provide us with a safe space to express ourselves, our deepest needs for a sense of connection are satisfied. When our partners truly listen to us, we feel seen. This makes it easier to express it authentically. Unfortunately, many couples have trouble listening to each other when discussing conflicts. It’s important to put aside our own agenda and really listen to our partners and understand them more deeply. This not only helps solve problems but also creates emotional safety. This is necessary for someone to truly show up.

need to repair

You can’t always be the perfect partner, the perfect parent, or the perfect friend. We are human and we make mistakes. But what we can do is show up and repair the rift with the people we love. John Gottman’s research tells us that happy couples also have conflicts. But when there’s a disconnect and the conversation isn’t going well, they try to get back on track by trying to fix it. This is the “secret weapon” for happy couples. So, in order to create a sense of safety, we need to know how to soften things, how to apologize, how to help our partners feel safe sharing more.

Authenticity in relationships is impossible in an environment filled with contempt, shame, harshness, betrayal, and pain. In this case, our protective components come into play. However, creating a safe space in your relationship where you are on the same team and treat each other tenderly can be the start of the emotional security a healthy relationship needs.