Embarking on a sex therapy journey is a step toward improving one of the most intimate and rewarding (but often confusing and tricky!) aspects of the human experience. As a psychotherapist specializing in relationships and sexuality, I have had the privilege of guiding many individuals, couples, and complexes through this process of transformation. Here are some insights you may want to know before receiving treatment from a sex/intimacy counselor.
acknowledge need
Realizing that you may need help from a trained sex therapist is important and should be taken seriously. You might use the word “courage” when you admit that there are aspects of your sex life that you can’t solve alone, or even with a loving and cooperative partner. Many of us first turn to books, podcasts, or best friends to fix what we think may be problems in our intimate lives. While there are a wealth of resources out there, sometimes it takes a skilled provider who can tailor a treatment plan to your needs.
Sex therapy is more than just sex
While the primary focus of sex therapy is sexual issues, the scope of treatment often extends beyond just focusing on what goes on in the bedroom. It is not uncommon for sex therapy sessions to delve into broader relationship dynamics, communication patterns, self-perception challenges, family of origin, and the numerous psychological factors that impact sexual health. Sexuality is intertwined with many aspects of our existence, and there are many moving parts of our relationships that we may never have anticipated related to the sexual struggles that led us to therapy.
I was reminded of this recently during a meeting with a physical therapist for leg pain. As I was getting ready to start talking about that part of my body, she started saying, “Are your legs hurting? Great, so take your shoes off and stand on the floor over here and do some moves. You know , it might not actually be your legs… it might be your hips, or your neck, or your posture. Can I see how you look sitting in a chair all day?”
When you look at the whole person and the whole relationship, you’ll see what else needs to be addressed. So as therapists, especially those with sex/intimacy training, we don’t just focus on the issue at hand. Instead, we take a step back and explore how the entire system contributes to sexual issues.
Requires openness, honesty and vulnerability
Most of us know that for therapy to be effective, openness and honesty on the part of the client are crucial, although this can be an especially big ask when the focus of therapy is sex. While your provider will make every effort during training to put you at ease, the process will still require you to share intimate details about your sexual experiences, feelings, and concerns. When I first start working with someone and ask them in our onboarding meeting how they feel about starting this process with me, the word I hear most often is “scared”! How easy it is to live this experience. But while it can be daunting at first to start opening up to strangers about this part of your life, a skilled therapist knows how to create a space that quickly feels like a safe space.
It’s time for change
Managing expectations about treatment schedules is important, especially when dealing with our intimate lives. Change, especially when it involves deeper issues or patterns, just takes time. Progress in sex therapy is usually gradual and requires patience and persistence, although a reliable therapist will help you celebrate your victories along the way. I like to start a session by asking my clients, “Before we talk about the challenges you’ve had since I last saw you, what can you brag about? What’s something you’ve done recently as a couple that you’re proud of? Where’s the buzz? , even just a little bit?” This helps us recognize and trust that the process is working. Allowing change to take time can also give us grace when setbacks inevitably arise in therapy.
individual efforts in collaboration
Research shows that the biggest determinant of a client’s success in psychotherapy is not the therapist’s qualifications, theoretical approach, or even experience level. Instead, it is the client who has the greatest impact (by far) on the changes brought about by the time in therapy. This means being proactive in meetings, completing any assignments assigned, and communicating openly about what works or doesn’t work for you. So thinking about entering sex therapy is just asking yourself, “Am I ready to truly engage in this process? If I’m not quite there yet, what shifts do I need to make within myself to be ready to fully take this step?” Hope this article helps you prepare.
