Overcontrol, defined as excessive or maladaptive self-control, can cause serious problems
in our relationship.People with overcontrolling traits may not be aware of their behavior
Leads to relationship problems, or may not know how to make changes.able
It’s not bad to have high self-control; it can be a very good thing.People with strong self-control often
Very concerned about what happened.It’s important to look at what areas of your life you are good at
Over-control can lead to problems, rather than changing everything about yourself.
Am I overly controlling?
- Do you consider yourself a perfectionist or do others think so?
- Are you an all-or-nothing thinker?
- Do you often have ideas about how things should be/how people should behave?
- Have you ever received feedback that you were too harsh on yourself or others?
- Do you feel a sense of urgency that tasks and problems need to be solved quickly?
- Do you find it difficult to let your guard down?
- Do you get bogged down in the details?
- Are you overworked/overworked and find it difficult to say no?
- Do you have problems with procrastination on important/major tasks?
This is not meant to be a diagnosis, however, these are some of the characteristics of overcontrol that can
Helps with relationship issues.If you understand, you can probably do some work to improve
your relationship.
How does overcontrol manifest in relationships?
You may find that when your partner doesn’t live up to your expectations, you feel anxious or
depressed. You might criticize the way your partner talks, acts, or even loads the dishwasher. While you may feel like your expectations are reasonable, your partner says they feel pressured and criticized. Here are two examples of how over-controlling behavior affects relationships.
A story of resentment:
Joe puts a glass in the dishwasher and notices his partner’s plate in the sink. He felt frustrated. He was sitting on the couch with his partner and asked, “Have you filled the dishwasher?” His partner replied no. Joe sighed, crossed his arms, and fell silent. Joe was angry, thinking how could they be so inconsiderate? I have to stay and wash the dishes again. No matter what, they always load the dishwasher the wrong way. I guess I’ll just have to do it myself. He finishes washing the dishes and feels relieved that he did it “the right way,” but feels resentful inside.
The story of an unwanted helper:
Jane watched her partner cook. She turned the heat down on the stove and her partner asked her to stop. Jane said, “I was just trying to help, the vegetables would burn at those temperatures!” Jane went on to make comments about her partner’s cooking, such as “You need to add salt or the water will never boil” and “You should put Cook the pasta whole instead of splitting it in half!” Jane’s partner felt shut down and criticized. They both finally said “Okay, you do it” and left the kitchen. Jane felt angry;
Confusion and resentment.
How to manage your overly controlling behavior
Get out of fight or flight mode to feel safe and connected
- Take a deep breath, smile with your mouth closed, and move your eyebrows up and down.
- Do mindfulness exercises.
- Place ice cubes under your eyes for 30-60 seconds.
Practice direct, non-judgmental communication
- Use emotional words to describe how you feel, not your partner.
- Ask for a positive need to be met, rather than describing something you don’t like.
- Listen and understand when your partner shares their feelings.
- Practice validating in situations where you disagree or disagree.
Ask for help and accept that your partner’s approach may be different from yours.
- There are many ways to cook potatoes.
ask yourself
- Do I expect my partner to think/behave the same way I do?
- Is my way the only/right way to behave?
- What makes me think my way is the right way?
reveal yourself to your partner
- Take responsibility for your overly controlling thoughts/behaviors and tell your partner that you recognize these behaviors and are committed to learning and using skills to reduce them.
Identify your important goals in the interaction
- In this situation, is the way the dishwasher is loaded more important, or is it more important to show my partner that I respect and like them?
Now that you know how overly controlling behaviors affect relationships, you can evaluate whether they are affecting your life and relationships. If so, RODBT may be an effective treatment for you. Use this as an opportunity to talk to your partner and build a deeper connection. Dr. John Gottman has a variety of tools to help you start a conversation with your partner and get to know each other better.