In any relationship, it is natural to encounter challenges and conflicts. But what happens when these conflicts turn toxic?
Gaslighting and stonewalling are not the same thing, but both can wreak havoc on a relationship. It’s important to understand the difference between these two behaviors so you can decide how to react when they show up in your relationship.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting involves manipulating someone’s perception of reality and deliberately making them doubt their own sanity, thoughts, feelings, and memories. This insidious form of emotional abuse can lead to self-loathing, anxiety, and doubt about your own mental stability.
The word comes from drama gas lamp, created in 1938 by Patrick Hamilton. The audience immediately realizes that Jack is not a good guy. He flirts with staff in front of Bella, leaves the house without explanation, and is generally rude and dismissive.
As the plot progresses, an opera singer (who once lived upstairs) mysteriously disappears. Jack sets out to find the starlet’s jewelry and acts in disbelief when Bella mentions that she heard footsteps above her. The plot thickens when Jack starts turning the gaslight on and off at will, then in denial. He tries to convince Bella that she is crazy.
You’ll have to watch the show to find out what happens next, but the important takeaway from the story is that Jack’s actions are Discuss and on purpose. Not only did he lie to her, he lied to her with a premeditated intent to undermine her mental stability. This is gaslighting.
What to do if gaslighting is present in your relationship
Emotional abuse needs to be taken very seriously and requires immediate evaluation and intervention by a licensed professional.
If you think your partner is deliberately trying to make you feel out of touch with reality, we recommend you seek help. If you live in the United States, you can call 988 or visit the Gottman Referral Network to find a therapist near you.
What is a stone wall?
Unlike gaslighting, stonewalling is a maladaptive behavior defense mechanism with a form emotional abuse.
Dr. John Gottman uses this term to define one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. His research shows that stonewalling leads to relationship dissatisfaction, separation and divorce.
Stonewalling is a behavior characterized by one party withdrawing from an interaction, closing down emotionally, and ceasing to communicate.
When a person is stonewalling, they often appear aloof to others, often with a blank expression on their face. They may appear callous or uncaring. When you’re talking to your partner, it can be very hurtful to look up and see their seemingly emotionless reaction. Especially when you are emotionally vulnerable. You may wonder if your partner is listening or caring about your feelings.
But obstruction is not what it seems.
We know from research that when a person is stonewalling, even if they appear calm on the outside, internally they are in a state of fight, flight, or attack. freeze. Procrastination is a freezing response to perceived danger. The heart rate is well over a hundred beats per minute, along with difficulty breathing, muscle tension, and internal panic.
What to do if your relationship hits a snag
Solutions to relationship blockers are easy in concept but difficult to put into practice in daily life.
There’s only one thing to do, and that’s to pause.
This is emotionally dangerous Continue the conversation when one or both parties are triggered. If you continue talking, you or your partner may do or say something you regret. When you take a short break, you both can take a breather, do some self-care, and then return to the conversation when you’re calmer.
Often, one partner wants to keep talking, while the other partner wants space. In order for the pause to be effective, Both parties need commitment Disconnect and reconnect. When you learn how to do this in your relationships, you can avoid the unnecessary pain of continuing unproductive conversations.
Next step
Reducing the obstacles in your relationship will take time, but it is possible. As you work on implementing this strategy, be patient with yourself and your partner. If you’re the kind of couple who likes worksheets and cheat sheets, you can download Chapter 7 of my workbook for free, which includes a timeout planning exercise to help you avoid roadblocks in your relationship.
Congratulations on your commitment to relationship health and thank you for reading this 🙂